jokes,riddles,and puzzles

[Torqito]

I was looking through this site and thought this site is boring i dont want to get into the details but i thought we needed some laughs so im posting some jokes im going to post about one a day but today i'll post a couple (manly cause i did a BUNCH of jokes pressed enter and it gave me database error and i had to start the whole thing over again anyways here are some jokes

Deer Camp

Three guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Steve because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first night, John slept in Steve's room and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The rest of the guys said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Steve snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was Garry's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. Once again they asked, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Steve shakes the roof. I couldn't sleep a wink. I just watched him all night."
The third night was Herb's turn. Herb was a big burly guy who loved to fish and hunt -- a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.
The guys couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Steve into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

Stand Up If Your A Moron

One day a college professor was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and asked if anyone in the class was a moron, and if they were, they should stand.
After a minute a young man stood up. The professor then asked the kid if he actually thought he was a moron. The kid replied, "No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."

Gorrila Chase

There was a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he'd never left it on its own.
But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor.
So he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock.
But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur.
So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, “Why can't I touch its fur?” as their didnt seem to be anything wrong with it.
Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldnt understand until, about a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla.
He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.
Suddenly the gorilla went ape shit and started to jump around, then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into some one else's sports car and drove off.
In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in its own sports car, driving right behing him.
He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden and up the apple tree.
He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.
The man jumped down and ran back in to the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla.
The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shaddow coming down the street ahead.
The gorilla!
It came to the end of the alley, stood and looked striaght into the bloodshoot eyes of the man and came towards him slowly.
This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint.
The giant beast came face to face with him, raised its mighty hand and said, “Tag! You're it!”

6 Joke That Can Be Told In Church

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why the groom wearing black?"
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered, "Call for backup."
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."
You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing! Take heed and pass these along to people who need a laugh.

LAPD And The Rabbit

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Two Quarters Or A Dollar

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied,"Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

Rabid Dogs Are Useful

One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. “My wife,” the man replied.
“I'm sorry,” said Bill, “what happened to her?”
“My dog bit her and she died.” Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, “My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well.”
Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, “Can I borrow your dog?”
To which the man replied, “Get in line.”

Farting Your Guts Out

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work.
Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"
One Thanksgiving morning, Martha's preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.
Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for 3 hours.
She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there

[aaaphil]

good list of jokes,riddles,and puzzles

[Torqito]

thank you aaaphil and remember i will post a new joke/riddle/puzzle everyday untill I run out of jokes...wich might take a while cause' i have a lot lol

[aaaphil]

cool but if you star running out just type on google jokes ,riddles

[Tunog]

This is in the wrong forum.

[Torqito]

Originally Posted by aaaphil

cool but if you star running out just type on google jokes ,riddles

good advise but still my dad has lots of friends and they email him jokes also i found this website and it has lots of jokes but i'll only use it if i run out of jokes myself and tunog i didn't know what fourm it should be in so i just put it in genaral discusion...(edited) ok tha jokes are too long so im going to have to post some of them in comments...

The Tea Party

When I was a toddler, someone had given me a little Tea Set as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of "tea" which was just water, of course.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!"
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.
She watches him drink it up and then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Creation

A man said to his wife, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

Blonde electronics
(do not read if you have blonde hair and dont like blonde jokes)

a blond walks into an electronics store walks up to the clerk points to a corner and says "can I buy that t.v. in the corner?" his reply was "sorry we don't serve blonds." angrey she went home died her hair black came back and did the same thing again the clerk says "sorry we don't serve blonds." determined she gose home and dies her hair red went to the electronic store asked a differant clerk and asked again "can I buy that t.v." his reply "sorry we don't serve blonds" confused and puzzled she asks "how did you know i was a blonde?" he points to the corner and says "thats a microwave"

[Mihanaflower]

cool! thanks but it was really in the wrong forum! Why did you put it in CP general discussion?

[Torqito]

well mainly because i didn't know what other fourm to put it in i mean what fourm do you put jokes in?

The Trucker And The Preist

One day this trucker is driving on a route from new york to toronto and usually when he is driving he likes to swerve and hit laywers who happen to be hitch hiking.
so one day he sees a preist hitch hiking, being the religious man that he is, decides to pick him up.
after about two hours he forgets that the priest is even there and proceeds to hit a laywer he sees. As he is just about to hit him he realises who is beside him and straightens himself back on the road.
much to his dismay he still hears a thump so he turns to the priest and says
"Please forgive me father."
The preist turns to him and replies,
"It is alright, I got him with my door.

[Sheen]

hey man great jokes hopefully you will keep those comeing!

[blastjamyo]

sorry but this is the wrong forum